alexythmia

Two things that made me feel good today:

2008-03-03T22:20:33Z

1. I stopped to get gas on my lunch break and some cute guys pulled up at the pump next to me. They were really friendly and said hello and asked me how I was. Then after I went inside to pay for my gas and came back out they were leaving so they said, "Bye! Have a good day!" I like when random dudes can just be nice without expecting anything, and not totally slimy. That rarely happens. Sounds trivial, but I've been a man-hater lately and it was definitely a bright spot in my day.

2. I ordered a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies (whyyyyy???), I swear I'm just setting myself up. But a few of my coworkers little daughters came around and I couldn't turn them down. Last week I got one box and I ate 4 total (2 one day, 2 another day, I was super proud of myself), and gave away the rest. Today my coworker delivered two boxes I had ordered from his kid and when he brought them by I said, "Oh no, this is dangerous." He replied, "You can afford to eat ALL of them. Trust me." (!!! I'll be thinking about this all day, it absolutely thrills me.) I told my best friend (we email each other back and forth from work all day), and added that all anyone has to do is reassure me I'm not fat and I'll love them forever. She wrote back, "You're not fat. You and I are the skinniest ho's ever." Definitely not true (I think my boobs and hips are too curvy to ever be considered "skinny", ) but I love how eloquently she worded it.

Maybe one day an offhand remark about my body won't carry enough weight (pun not intended) to make or break my day, or maybe that will never happen.

Somewhat related: I've decided to go back to veganism. I've been a vegetarian for four years, was vegan for a few months last year (stopped around the holidays), and am now doing round numero dos. I'm only planning on initially going 30 days, then deciding to go longer if I feel like it. I just feel very run-down and toxic and being vegan motivates me to make healthy choices and I just feel so good. There's also a tiny part of me that is motivated by the hope that I'll drop a few pounds, but that's not the sole reason and it makes me feel a little guilty to admit it. Too many people already believe that veganism is just a front the eating disordered use. I'd be interested in learning how many vegans also have eating disorders, but I understand how it is a stigma that is unfair to the vegans that don't have eds.

On a side note, I'm debating whether or not to delete the purgatorium from my friend's list. It has been a source of endless reassurance for me for the past couple of years and I don't know what I would have done without it. But lately I've been consciously trying to avoid it because it is getting to be extremely triggering. I don't know... I'll think about it a little bit more.

It's been a while!

2008-03-03T18:11:02Z

My poor laptop currently has a virus and until it's well I have to rely on my work computer. But I can't stay away any longer! I missed you all so much, and more than ever I'm wishing we all lived down the block from each other because I could use the amazing support you guys provide right about now; No one in real life can possibly understand what I go through like you guys can. This past weekend it really hit me how much I need my support system back in Florida and how lonely I am. I started panicking and I called my mom sobbing and she talked to me until I was able to calm down. Blah. I'm feeling a little better now that I had a good cry and I'm ready to be proactive and make things happen.

I'm still purging, sometimes bingeing, but it's more manageable than it was. I went off the Prozac for a while, tried Celexa and hated it, now I'm not on anything but I'm meeting with my psych soon and I'm asking if she can refill my Prozac scrip. I really need it because I can feel my depression begin to creep up on me again.

My puppy is so awesome, best decision I ever made. Her name is Libby, I'll post pictures of her later. I don't think a more adored animal has ever lived. Everywhere I go people fall in love with her! It's hilarious to see grown men cooing over a one pound Chihuahua but she's just so damn loveable.

School is fantastic!! I love being back sooo much. It has been so long since I've had any kind of mental stimulation and I love learning. I'm hoping to get my associates by next spring so that I can transfer to a university, but in order to do so I will have to cut back on my work hours so I'm looking at taking out loans in addition to my financial aid. I've also had an epiphany that I need to pursue my passion, which is theatre, no matter what that entails. I've struggled with the idea for so many years, but I keep pushing it back and telling myself I need to go the safe route, where there's some job security. Yet I always come back to the same conclusion, which is that I feel lost without theatre. Fuck convention! I've never been one to conform anyway. I don't care if I'm a starving actor, I don't care if I'm broke, I need that creative outlet. I've realized that a 9-5 office job is definitely not for me. I miss theatre so much and I feel like it's my identity. Without it I feel kind of useless and purposeless.

With this said, one of my most favorite people in the entire world, a director I've worked with in the past who is an incredible actor (starred on Broadway, toured with Liza Minelli, just insanely talented and an amazing person to boot), called me last week from Florida. He really wants me to be in his new show and was willing to pay for my plane ticket out there, but it is not a paying gig, and as much as I would lovelovelove to work with him again there is no possible way I can be out of work and school for that long. We talked for a while and he told me he thinks that I'm special, and he believes in me and my talent. It meant the world to me coming from someone I look up to so much (seriously- I want to be this guy when I grow up, haha). He told me if I want to go to the Broadway open calls in New York next year he'll help me (there is a slew of them in January/February/March). I'm also working on getting an agent right now, I sent out my headshot/resume like crazy last week, so we shall see how that pans out.

What else...I moved into an awesome condo with my best friend this past weekend. I'll take pictures once we're settled (I know I'm totally late on the "Cribs" thing). I love having my own place!

Sorry if this is so choppy, I didn't intend for it to be so long and I'm a little pressed for time. Hope everyone is doing well! xoxo

They're on to me! ::shifty eyes::

2008-01-25T22:56:57Z

Hi friends.

The other day my best friend revealed to me that my ex-third roommate (who she still lives with until we move into our own place together on March 1st, yay!) approached my best friend about how she thinks I have an eating disorder. When I first heard about it, I felt like my stomach had fallen out of my butt (in the immortal words of Lindsay Lohan). Then I just found it hilariously funny for whatever perverse reason. Now I'm just really, really curious as to how she knows. I suppose it doesn't take a genius to notice my weird habits, and to be honest I didn't care to hide it from her that much, not like I do with the people closest to me. It's not like I'd puke with the door open or anything, I just didn't have any qualms about going into the bathroom while she was home and running the water for an hour. I would never be that obvious when my friend was home, which is probably why she brushed off the accusations and we were able to laugh about it together. I guess she even asked the roommate "Well, do you think I have an eating disorder?" She explained that the two of us eat the same things and at the same times. The response was no.

I guess I was kind of shocked to hear this because I just assume nobody pays attention to my eating habits that closely. I also don't think the signs are as obvious to people who don't have eating disorders themselves. I feel like there isn't anyone who would be able to hide an eating disorder from me; I know all the things to look for. Similarly I'm sure they'd be able to spot my scarred hands and finicky food habits from a mile away. However, it's no secret to any of my closest friends that I have food and body image issues, but who doesn't these days? Not one of them has ever openly confronted me with concerns about an eating disorder. Because, really, where does one draw the line in our thin-obsessed culture? It still always takes me by surprise when anyone comments about it, though. My best friend went home to Florida around Christmas and met up with one of my good guy friends; We used to live together. He asked her if I was eating and if I was still "scary skinny". Ha. Yeah...That's definitely not an issue anymore, unfortunately.

And speaking of scary skinny, my plans to restrict this week were a total bust because I haven't been able to stop binge eating for the past three days. I don't know what the hell is going on, I was eating "normally" before it began so it's not like my body was in deprivation mode or anything. I'm chalking it up to PMS and the fact that I stopped taking my Prozac because my fucking psych takes WEEKS (no exaggeration) to authorize my refills. It makes me furious; Why should I force myself to become dependant on a medication and then fuck up my brain chemistry even more by going cold turkey until she decides to call my pharmacy??

I'm really disappointed about the bingeing because I thought getting myself on a normal eating schedule would make that desire go away. I hate it so much. I can't think of anything that makes me feel worse both physically and mentally and emotionally. I feel sluggish, heavy, ugly, constantly irritated from the frequent blood sugar spikes, sad, and hopeless. I haven't been purging and I know I've gained a few pounds this week. I can't even undo the damage by working out (since I've been taking care of the puppy). Going to the gym is the only thing that makes me feel good about my body and keeps me from bingeing. When I can't work out my mindset is "Well, I'm going to get fat from lack of exercise anyway, might as well shove my face while I'm at it." I adore my puppy. She has brought me more love and happiness than I ever thought was possible, so I feel guilty even bringing this up. But I think my sanity relies on figuring out a way that I can regularly work out while still being fair to her. My problem is she is very, very attached to me (and vice versa) so leaving her at home by herself is totally out of the question. She's so tiny I could probably put her in her carrying purse and take her with me to the gym and nobody would have any idea. I might just do that because I'm going crazy here.

If there's one thing I've learned from my tumultous relationship with food it's that when I get in binge mode there's no use fighting it, because I won't win. I just have to let it run its course. Eventually I'll be back to my fanatical orthorexic ways. But I'm just so fucking sick of this cycle. I feel like Prozac was really helping me with that, and now it's being taken away from me and I'm so frustrated I want to cry.

In happier news, I got a postcard from the wonderful Tamsin (Arwens Ghost) all the way from England and it made my whole day!! Love you, Tamsin, and am wishing you well, as always.

Taking a break

2008-01-21T17:49:57Z

I've been consciously avoiding LJ because I am attempting "recovery". I haven't binged or purged in almost two weeks, which is amazing for me. I've been eating "normally", listening to my body cues and doing the whole intuitive thing. I have to say it has been a pretty incredible and eye-opening experience. It's so beautiful and gives me so much hope to know that there is a better, more fulfilling alternative to the way I've been living. It has been so very long since I have tasted normalcy, both literally and figuratively, that until now I've forgotten it exists. I really feel I owe it all to my precious little puppy. In order to give her the wonderful life she deserves I have to focus all my love and attention on her, which is a full-time job and requires my own unhealthy obsessions to take a backseat.

However, I'm not jumping the gun quite yet...I'm struggling today even though I'm pretty sure I haven't gained any weight (I refuse to weigh myself), and am planning on some heavy restriction this week to relieve my anxiety. I've also been having a really hard time with my depression lately.

Just wanted to drop in and say hello; I can never stay away too long..I hope you are all taking extra good care of yourselves. Lots and lots of love.

Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name

2008-01-07T05:12:53Z

I am feeling so unbelievably alone right now. And horribly, horribly guilty. Hey, there's something new! I swear, I live my life in a perpetual state of guilt.

I need to confess something that has been eating away at me. Allow me to be long-winded and melodramatic for a bit and then tell me I'm not a horrible, manipulative person, OK? Thanks.

Here's the deal. I have desperately wanted a dog for a very long time, basically since I moved out of my mom's (and away from my pups) two and half years ago. I've owned dogs my whole life; I adore them, and in general am just a huge animal lover. However, the past couple of years have been a total rollercoaster and I haven't really known where I'll be going or what I'll be doing, so I postponed getting a pet until I could provide it with a more stable environment.

So. I promised myself before moving out to San Diego that once I was settled here I would finally get a dog. Now that I've been here for a while, have a steady job, and am on somewhat of a daily routine, I decided it was time. I've been speaking to my best friend about it for a while, and have expressed my concern that our third roommate (who owns our house) wouldn't approve of having another pet. My friend told me not to worry, she knew it wouldn't be a problem, we already have three dogs in the house, what's one more? She also said that because she and my other roommate have pets it would unfair to deny me one of my own. Great! I love her reasoning! So recently I went dog-searching. And I found one. The most precious puppy. It sounds really lame, but I clicked with this dog, I just knew she would be the perfect addition to my life. So without thinking, I put a deposit down on her and set out to convince my third roommate, totally sure that it wouldn't be an issue.

I left out the whole deposit part, and even the fact that I'd been looking for a dog. I simply told her everything I explained earlier: How I missed having my dogs around, how I needed a companion, and how I felt it was the right time because I felt comfortable here. I added that I wanted a Chihuahua, a tiny dog that wouldn't cause any damage, considering it would never be roaming around the house before it was housetrained if I was not there to watch it. I gave quite the convincing argument; I've always been able to convince anyone of anything, my powers of persuasion are supreme, ha. I was sure she wouldn't be able to say no.

She said no.

Fuck. Ok, well, it's her house and I have to respect her rules even if I don't agree with them. But now what am I going to do? I couldn't consider giving up the dog; It's not even a question of losing my deposit, I fell in love with this dog and I needed her. I really feel like it would be so good for me. It will help ease some of the loneliness and isolation I feel on a daily basis. And maybe I'll be able to take better care of myself if I know that there is something that is relying on me to be well. Basically, I didn't feel like I had any other solution but to find somewhere else to live.

In the end I gave my notice to my roommate and am moving in with my grandfather's niece, my second cousin. She had originally offered me a place to stay when I initially moved to San Diego, so I don't think that asking them was too random. She lives with her husband in an enormous house, so space isn't an issue. They are seriously the nicest people. I of course offered to pay rent, but they being the generous people they are refused to accept money from me, so I'll be able to save. My best friend has been having problems with our third roommate since day one, and we always planned on eventually getting our own place anyway, so I'm hoping I'll only have to stay with my cousin for two months tops. I feel terrible imposing on them.

I also feel really awful because I made a pretty rash decision and have had to lie through my teeth to cover it up. I had to think of a reason why I so urgently needed a place to stay, so I told my cousin that my roommate is having her friends move in and asked me to move out. I told my parents I was having issues with my roommate, but I haven't told them about the dog because I don't want them to think that's the reason I'm moving. I feel like I have to prove to my parents that I'm a responsible adult capable of taking care of myself, even though I realize it was quite an irresponsible and immature thing to do.

My whole life there's always been somewhere around willing to clean up my messes (mainly my mom), and although I'm eternally grateful I also feel like a spoiled little brat. Also, I'm the type of person who always puts the needs of others first; I'm so afraid of inconveniencing people that I have always withstood my own discomfort so I don't feel like I'm putting anyone out. And I hate dishonesty. It's extremely difficult, almost impossible for me to be dishonest to my mother. I've always had this compulsion to tell her everything, or else, I don't know, I feel like the whole world will fall apart or something. It's really weird and unhealthy and I don't know why I do it. I guess because she has always been my rock, the most reliable source of emotional support I have ever had, and I'm extremely dependant on her. I have managed to keep my eating disorder from everyone for years, and believe me, it kills me everyday. Sometimes I wish I could tell my family and friends so I wouldn't have to harbor such a shameful and destructive secret. So the moral of the story is I cannot believe I did something so selfish that it required me to lie to and take advantage of people that I care about.

I'm picking up my puppy on Friday, and thinking about her dissipates every ounce of crappiness I'm feeling. All I've been doing lately is preparing for her arrival by reading books on training toy breeds along with everything I can find on Chihuahua's, and spending a ton of money on her...She is going to be the most spoiled pooch on the planet.

If you've actually reached the end of this ridiculously long and self-indulgent collection of run-on sentences, give yourself a pat on the back. Then comment and tell me I don't suck that badly.

Caught in the cycle

2008-01-06T04:18:45Z

I have so much to update about but it will have to wait until my head is more clear. I woke up at noon today and since then I have done nothing but go back and forth between my bedroom and the bathroom. It's been a while since I've spent a whole day consistently eating and puking; Since I began taking Prozac it has been less frequent. Once I get in a cycle like this it's impossible to come up for air.

I wanted a quiet weekend in because I've been in desperate need of alone time. I could do without all the scarfing and barfing of course, but I'm so used to it I can't say it phases me too much. Another day in my bulimic life. However, I was watching an old episode of Intervention earlier (while I was bingeing for the 294729th time) that featured a girl with anorexia and bulimia. I thought about how amazing it would be to have the promise of a nice bed in some quiet residential treatment program somewhere. I would completely surrender and go quietly. How nice would it be to not have to ask for help, to just have it offered to you?

I'm watching old Jefferson Airplane performances on YouTube and I really want to get high. Grace Slick is a goddess.

I do really stupid things

2008-01-04T01:02:09Z

Once again my impulsivity and need for immediate gratification has gotten me in trouble. I'm just playing grown-up. I don't have the slightest idea how to take care of myself, and I no longer want to. I want a hug. I want my mom. I want everything to be okay and to feel content.

I need a meds adjustment, everything is getting too overwhelming; it's like a black curtain is dropping over me again and I can't function. But right now I don't have the money to pay for the appointment, I still owe her for my last visit. Who says money can't buy happiness? I guess I'll just have to up the dosage myself.

I purged blood the other night but because it wasn't dark in color I wasn't at all alarmed and kept right on going like a champ. I need help.

I feel so utterly alone here. I want my support system to be here with me. I'm too empty without them.

I'm baaack

2008-01-02T04:48:41Z

Missed you all.

Last night was HORRIBLE. I was so looking forward to having a great night, since I was pretty much too crippled by depression to do anything last NYE. I didn't end up going to Vegas as planned, instead we went to this awful party at a club downtown that wasn't anything it promised to be (I believe it was touted as "THE party to be at in San Diego", among other things. Ha, I should've known.) It pretty much cemented the fact that I hate clubs. Seriously. I love to go out and drink and socialize and meet neat people (I just said neat, haha). I love dive bars and upscale bars and nice restaurants and lounges. I love house parties with small crowds of interesting and intelligent people. I hate places that desperately try to be "hip" and "trendy" packed with barely clad bimbos and assholes only looking to get laid. Everyone trying so hard to be "cool" and have a good time. I'm so fucking sick of being hit on by sleazy guys who would sleep with anything with the proper anatomy. It's not flattering, it makes me feel worthless that that's what I attract.

So that's pretty much how the whole night went. Are there any nice, decent guys out there? I know there are. I'm not so jaded to think there aren't any at all, but I know they are few and far between. And if I do meet a guy I like I just can't be aggressive. And call me old fashioned but I don't feel like I should have to be; I feel like if a guy really cares about me, and is worth my time, he'll make the effort to pursue me. But I also know from personal experience that more often than not those aggressive types turn out to be jerks.

I'm so sick of being alone. I feel so unloveable, and ugly and invisible. It hurts to see everyone pairing off around me and it never happening for me. It doesn't make me jealous, but I take it personally because it makes me very sad and aware of how alone I am.

Usually being single doesn't bother me, but everyone around me seems to be in a relationship and lately it has just been destroying me. So...yes, these feelings have been brewing for a while, and I've just been burying them until they were bound to erupt at some point. And they did. Most inconveniently, last night. Long story long I had an epic emotional breakdown that kind of came out of nowhere. I was standing in the club we were at and all of a sudden I started crying and I couldn't stop. It's really weirding me out thinking about it. First off, I don't cry. But when I do it's definitely not around other people, even my best friends. And I had been drinking, but I wasn't trashed and I'm not an emotional drunk. When I told my other roommate about it she thought that maybe the four shots of Patron I'd had had something to do with it; that tequila does weird things to people.

Anyhow, we left before midnight and I cried hysterically the whole way home while my poor friend comforted me. As much as we can get on each other's nerves, last night really reminded me why she is my best friend and why I love her so much. She told me that I'm waiting for the perfect person, and that person doesn't exist, that I don't give people a chance, that I shut people out. She said she has been wanting to talk to me about this for a long time but that she never wanted to bring it up, and she's glad I'm realizing it now. This all sounds harsh, but she was so gentle and kind and everything she said was true. Yes, there are a lot of loser guys out there, but there are also perfectly good ones, and I'm just waiting for some nonexistent movie romance, with fireworks and all that bullshit. And I'm also so afraid of being hurt (I know how trite this sounds, but it definitely applies) I don't let anyone in.

I met a really great guy in Minnesota. He was so sweet. And he really, really liked me. We hung out, he held my hand, we kissed. He brought me home and from then on I ignored his texts and phone calls because that is what I do. I've just always justified it by saying that I shouldn't force something when I don't feel chemistry with someone. But maybe that can come later, once you get to know someone. Just because I've had that intense, spark-inducing chemistry with one person before doesn't mean it'll happen again, does it? When my mom remarked to me the next morning that he seemed like a very nice guy I told her "I don't like nice guys. I like guys who ignore me and treat me like crap." I laughed, but it's true.

The thing is, recently something very primal inside me has been craving human touch so badly. It's a basic human need, so I understand why but it's really been overpowering me. I actually had a dream last night that didn't involve sex, just cuddling. How pitiful and telling is that? When I say I want sex what I really mean is I want someone to lay beside me and hold me. A part of me is so angry because I have really been waiting for this for a very long time. I've wanted to fall in love with someone since I was a little girl and I thought it would have happened by now. It has happened to everyone else around me, which makes me think there must be something very wrong with me. Which leads me to believe that maybe I'm not meant to be with anyone, maybe I'm going to be alone forever. I just don't see it happening ever, since it hasn't happened yet.

The only guy I've ever cared about hurt me so deeply. And I really loved him. Maybe it was more obsession than love. I was truly obsessed with him, which I know isn't healthy. I had never been so consumed by another person before and it was scary and awful to feel like my every emotion hinged on the actions of another person. I know this makes me sound like such a psycho, but I'm not. And I've never put this into words before, and I need to. He had such a profound impact on my life. All I keep thinking of all day is getting out of bed in the morning to go to the bathroom or something, and coming back into the room to see him sleepily reaching his arms out to me. I'd crawl into his arms, and we'd fall back asleep curled into each other. It was the most intense feeling, like some emptiness inside me was finally filled. I've never felt so safe and secure and whole as I felt with his arms around me.

I don't even know how to end this. I'm just over everything. And I don't know if it's the Prozac or what, but I've been feeling suicidal lately and it's scaring me. Having struggled with depression for much of my life, I've definitely thought about dying before and even wanted to, but I had never seriously considered killing myself. It was more passive, like, "well if I get hit by a bus tomorrow I won't care." But now...I don't see anything getting better and a part of me feels really comforted when I think about dying. I'm NOT going to kill myself, I don't want to freak anyone out, but the thoughts are there. Last night all I could think about was taking a whole bottle of tylenol pm and going to sleep forever.

I've been eating all day and right now I don't even care. What does it matter.

Question of the day: Do I ever stop posting?

2007-12-18T01:06:35Z

Answer: No.

There are about a million and one things I should be doing at work right now but I'm a slacker and I'm feeling bitchy so I need to do some major venting.

I'll start with some background information: My best friend was married at 19, and in addition to being way too young to be married, the guy was also a seriously shitty human being, so subsequently, they were divorced less than two years later. Within weeks (and by weeks I mean about 1 or 2, no exaggeration) she was seeing another guy, and they are still together a year later. I know it's not my business, and I should just be happy that she is happy (or thinks she is) but her codependence irks me to no end and I really can't get past how unhealthy it is.

Earlier I was looking up class scheduling so I can sign up for classes for spring semester. We have been talking about taking a class together, and she has also mentioned wanting to take math. I'm pretty antsy to get the ball rolling so the classes I want to take don't fill up, so I shot her an email asking her if she had signed up yet and telling her I was planning on doing so soon. She replied that she hadn't yet, because she was waiting for her boyfriend to come over tonight so they could "talk about math."

Uhh...seriously? What does that even mean? She can't even make a choice on her education without consulting someone else? What exactly is there to talk about? You either take a math class, or you don't.

Then yesterday at lunch she said that she knew this would make me upset with her, but she could really see herself "settling down" with this current guy because he'd make such a "great family man". While I don't deny that he's a cool person, I'm pretty sure he would shit himself if he heard her say this, and I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Has she really not learned anything from her past mistakes? She's 22 years old and "settling down" should be the furthest thing from her mind. I won't even touch the implication about starting a family...

I just think it's very bizarre how my generation is in such a rush to get married. It's really very old-fashioned. A lot of my former classmates are already married with children or at least engaged, and the whole phenomenon just baffles me. Personally, I'm not exactly eager to enter a serious commitment where everything I do requires the consideration of another person. I'm 21 years old and I'm allowed to be selfish right now. At this age I'm still enjoying my youth and learning about myself, which you can't do if you're constantly jumping from one serious relationship to the next without giving yourself some breathing room. Whatever happened to growing as a person, accomplishing everything you'd like to do, and then settling down?

I don't mean to sound so self-righteous, but this has been annoying me for a long time. I obviously see nothing wrong with dating someone, or being in a relationship if you establish some realistic expectations. Everyone needs companionship and affection, and it's really amazing when you click with someone like that. But I think that marrying straight out of high school is just setting yourself up for failure. Of course there are exceptions, but for the most part I think this is just really, really bad judgement.

My pants are getting tight

2007-12-17T19:07:41Z

And I'm panicking. I'm on serious damage control from now until Christmas.

This is my plan:
Monday- 1006 calories
Tuesday- 880
Wednesday- 1207
Thursday- 1006
Friday- 905
Saturday- 1106
Sunday- 1006

Exercising today, tomorrow and Wednesday. I leave for Minnesota to visit my family on Thursday morning and most likely won't be exercising while I'm there. I tried running when I visited over Thanksgiving, but the cold hurt my chest really bad. It's below zero there right now, and I already have very poor circulation, so being outside in that kind of weather for longer than a few minutes is painful for me.

The logical part of me knows that the amount of calories is extremely low. The eating disordered part of me thinks they look a bit high, I've lived on 500 or less in the past. But I'm trying not to severely screw up my metabolism here. There is no question I'll be indulging on Christmas, but I'm going to try my hardest to not make it turn into a full-blown binge extravaganza. Although past experience warns me I shouldn't hold out too much hope for that one.

I am so. sick. of living this way. But I feel like this is something I have to do right now because it's the only way to alleviate this anxiety. I know that sounds like a cop-out, but I don't feel like I have any other alternatives right now. I'll be back in California on the 30th, then I am going to Vegas for New Years Eve and I want to look and feel good otherwise I won't enjoy myself. After that I'll be back on track with my 1500 calories+ a day.

You are a fingernail running down the chalkboard I thought I left in third grade

2007-12-16T07:53:06Z

I've been in bed sick all weekend. All I've been doing is taking pills and eating. Any chance I can find a doctor who will just wire my jaw shut? I feel like I'm trapped in my body and it makes me feel so desperate I want to jump out of my skin. I think if I just lost 10 lbs I could be satisfied. I vacillate between wanting to be super toned and muscular and curvy to wanting to be emaciated. I'm going to continue to strength train because it is really doing wonders for my body. I'm seeing muscle and definition where there wasn't any before. Obviously I have a long way to go, but it's encouraging to see some progress. When I was at my lowest weight everyone was telling me I was too thin but I was still unhappy with my body because all I was doing was cardio and I was flabby. However, if given the choice I would choose the way I looked then over my body now.

I worry that I'm going to be alone forever but sometimes I think that's what I want, because I'm afraid of change and of getting too close to anyone. And deep inside, I just don't think I'm good enough for anyone.

Not like I don't deserve it, but...

2007-12-14T03:02:24Z

I broke a blood vessel in my eyeball from purging. It's under my top eyelid so it's not as noticeable, but it still looks gross.

The last time this happened the whole white of my eye turned bright red. It was terrifying. People actually gasped when they looked at me. I called it my zombie eye. It was actually pretty funny.

TORI AMOS

2007-12-14T01:11:56Z

Was here. In my city. Last night. And I MISSED IT!!! And I'm actually distraught enough to be posting about it, because, well...how did I NOT know about this? I have been that woman's biggest fan since I was 8 years old. Seeing her in concert two years ago was almost a spiritual experience. I know how pretentious and ridiculous that sounds but I don't even know how else to describe it...it was so surreal to be seeing this woman I had idolized for so many years right in front of my eyes, in the same building as me. I don't get starstruck, but she's so far beyond that since I've put her on this pedestal since I was a little girl. She's like, superhuman to me. Ok... /uber creepy rant.

I'm really going to try my hardest to get past this but at least this news distracted me from feeling fat and useless for two seconds. For the past few days I have not been feeling well, and I wake up today with a full-blown cold at the same time I am supposed to be getting to work. In the 7 months I have worked here I have not been late, and now it happens twice in one week? So that was not a good start to my day. I was planning on going to spinning tonight considering I've been feeling under the weather and consequently have not been to the gym all week but now that's out and I'm just so frustrated.

I am CHUBBY. I've gained weight and I can feel it. Every morning I wake up and it's the first thing on my mind. If I've been good for the past few days I feel hopeful, optimistic. I may not be anywhere near where I want to be, but at least I'm on my way to successfully transforming myself. I get out of bed, stand in front of the mirror with my shirt up and run my hand over my stomach and hipbones. Then I get ready for work. Every morning this is my ritual. If I feel I've been eating too much or not working out enough it is the first thing I feel before I even open my eyes. It's this oppressive, hopeless feeling, and I can't even describe it. I know if I gain weight I can lose it, I've done it before, obviously, because my weight has fluctuated all over the place. But the fact that in the past few days, weeks, however long it may be, I haven't been doing anything to actively change myself is so unbearable sometimes I don't even want to get out of bed. I don't know if this makes sense to anyone else, but I'm really trying to get this out of my head and articulate this feeling because it's how I live my life. Every single day it cycles like that. A lot of days it becomes so overwhelming that I don't even want to live anymore because it is so, so exhausting being controlled by this...force.

And it's not really helping matters that my doctor still has not given the pharmacy authorization to refill my prescription. How long does it take to fax a form back? I'm starting to get really panicked thinking about the single pill I have left. I should taken it today, but I didn't because I like the security of knowing I have at least one left.

I hope I am feeling better by tomorrow, I have a jam-packed weekend. There are parties every night. I am turning down tonight's festivities to rest up because tomorrow is the party at the Hard Rock, which I have been looking forward to for forever. The pictures from my holiday party are up on our company's hard drive and about half of them are of me dancing, making crazy poses, arms in the air, and generally looking like a drunken sorority girl on spring break. Fortunately everyone I work with thinks it's funny. And I definitely was not the drunkest person there, not even close. I didn't get sloppy or incoherent whatsoever. But I was probably the most fun. It's great because all night people were coming up to my best friend and telling her how quiet and reserved I am at work, which she found hilarious since I'm probably the wildest out of all of our friends. It has always been that way. There may be a lot of things I don't like about myself but I do pride myself on the fact that everyone has always been able to count on me for a good time. Maybe that's part of my crazy genes, ha. All crazy people are fun. When I get in my zone I'm impulsive, spontaneous, uninhibited, a blast to be around. The downside is that these qualities also happen to be my vices and have gotten me in trouble. I feel everything very intensely. When I'm happy, I'm over the moon, I'm unstoppable. When I'm depressed, forget it, I'm down a rabbit hole and there's nothing anyone can do for me or that I can do for myself until it subsides.

I've also been raised in the theatre, and theatre people are a different breed all together. We're all lunatics, seriously.

Sometimes it will take me a little while to come out of my shell when I first meet people and I probably come off as a bit shy. Especially in a work setting, because I want to be seen as professional. But now all my coworkers have seen my true colors, and maybe it's my imagination, but I think everyone feels like they know me better and like me a lot more for it.

However, my friend did request that I tone down the crazy just a little for her party tomorrow because they are a more reserved lot. =]

alexythmia @ 2007-12-12T11:27:00

2007-12-12T19:43:27Z

I b/ped twice yesterday, and then took Vicodin and ate some more crap and was too out of it to care about purging again. Especially because I know the things I ate would not come up without a fight and I was feeling so good that I didn't want to ruin the fun.

Sooo...yes, I feel like a cow today. I'm not hungry at all but I forced myself to eat a soy yogurt so I wouldn't want to binge later on. And I'm going to kick my ass at the gym tonight. I have a really busy weekend and if I'm feeling like a fatass the whole time I won't be having any fun.

I also need to find a way to refill my Prozac scrip which is bothering me because I'll probably have to call my bitchy psych to get her authorization, unless the pharmacy does it for me. I waited until I only had a single pill left because I didn't think getting a refill would be such an issue. I would also love to find a way to get a neverending supply of Xanax. I'm usually so irritable and on edge at work but since I've been taking it during the day I've been an absolute joy to be around, ha.

I can't stop thinking about sexsexsex. I need to get a grip. Or just have some sex.

shit!

2007-12-10T18:08:08Z

This weekend was a total blast, soo much fun, AND completely and totally ED-free which was the most beautiful and amazing thing of all (more details and some pictures possibly to come later when my brain starts functioning again). Buuuut I had a CRIPPLING hangover all day yesterday and ended up taking 3 xanax and a trazodone before bed because I was still in too much pain to sleep. And I didn't wake up for work this morning. Actually, my roommate came in to wake me up at the same time I should have been getting to work. So I'm finally at my desk and I am so ate up I might as well be on another planet right now. My head is so fuzzy I literally have no idea what's going on. I sent my friend an email 5 minutes ago and just now when I was going through my sent file in my mailbox I came across it and I don't even remember writing it. Oh man, I have no idea how I'm going to make it through the day when I can barely even walk straight. Yikes. Good thing everyone is still too hungover to really notice or care.

The day of man's salvation is now

2007-12-07T19:47:08Z

Today is shaping up to be a great day. I am in an awesome mood because I'm having one of those rare days where I'm not obsessing about food or my body. Actually (and I'm going to toot my own horn here, since I never feel this way) I look pretty damn good today and everyone has been telling me so. And even better, I got my CHRISTMAS BONUS today and I'm shocked, they were so generous. So I'm treating myself to a mani/pedi after work. Then the roomie and I are going to hit the gym and go shopping for jewelery and shoes for my holiday party tomorrow night. I ended up finding a super hot dress at Bebe in a size small, thank you very much, and I look smoking hot in it.

Thennn...dinner at my favorite sushi joint where I will be indulging in the amazing lychee martinis and not giving a flying FUCK about calories! Sorry Ed, but I'm completely ignoring you this weekend.

I wish I could feel like this EVERYDAY.

In other news, Mark Ronson is one hot piece. I think he's my dream dude.

Don't mind me, I'm having a pity party

2007-12-04T22:38:05Z

The psych I saw once (the one who prescribed me the Prozac) just called and left me another rambling, obnoxious, unapologetic voicemail telling me if I don't pay for my last appointment within 14 days it will be going to collections.

First off, she knows my situation, I explicitly explained to her that I'm 21 years old, work full-time, and am completely financially independent AKA I can't really afford to immediately pay for her $300 session (she doesn't accept my insurance). I know it probably would've been smarter to see a doctor who took my insurance, but at the time I was in a bit of a bind and it was convenient to see her because she was the first person recommended to me, and she's in the same building as my therapist. Before I started taking the meds I was extremely depressed, bingeing and purging everyday (basically it was running my entire life), and getting to the point where it was almost physically impossible to get out of bed in the morning. Seeing that I no longer live with my parents and am therefore fully responsible for my own wellfare, I couldn't rely on the fact that if I became incapacitated with depression again my family would take care of me like they used to. This scared me enough to take action right away, hence the convenient appointment with the psych.

With the holidays coming up I am really stressing about money and I just think this was insensitive on her part, especially because she's a PSYCHIATRIST for Christ's sake, and considering she's probably not exactly hurting for money. You'll get your fucking money, it just might not be in as timely a fashion as you would like (which I explained to her and she agreed upon before I even went to the appointment). I'm beginning to regret that I told her so much personal stuff, since it seems that she cares more about the money than actually helping people. I'll send her out a check today so she gets off my back, and because I'm feeling spiteful I'll go ahead and cancel all my therapy sessions this month, which I really can't afford anyway.

They are really keeping me busy at work today, and there aren't enough hours in the day to get everything done. On top of that I've been getting some stuff together for our holiday party, including the guest list and it's making me a little depressed because I'm the loser who's bringing her best friend as her date. Surprise. Oh well, I already resigned myself long ago to a future as the crazy old cat lady, since I'm sure I'll be alone forever. I should start collecting cats now. On the plus side, I guess it doesn't matter what I wear, since no one will notice anyway! Yay!

alexythmia @ 2007-12-03T22:36:00

2007-12-04T05:01:40Z

I want to lose 5 lbs by the time I leave to visit my family for Christmas. That's in 2 and a half weeks, so I don't think that's unreasonable. I know this contradicts what I wrote in one of my previous entries but I don't care right now. I know I can do it as long as I can control my bingeing. I can always lose weight, it's keeping it off that's difficult.

I know the only way to stop my constant obsession with food is to eat more. I know that restricting only fucks with my brain chemistry and makes me obsess more. I am much, much happier and less anxious when I'm not restricting. I noticed a definite lift in my mood last week when I was trying to eat healthier, and whenever I was hungry. But I just can't do it right now. My plan is to try to restrict only for the rest of December, and then go about losing weight the healthy way, so the pounds don't creep back on. Of course I'm terrified that I've ruined my metabolism so that increasing my caloric intake to a normal level will cause me to gain, but I'm trying not to think about that.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to cancel my appointment with my therapist so I can use that money to buy drugs. That's really screwed up. The other reason I don't want to go is because I want to be able to restrict this week without feeling like I'm disappointing anyone or doing anything wrong. At last week's session I was so cheerful and optimistic about my new healthy eating plan, and my therapist was thrilled for me. I know I could always go and just lie, but I can't do that. For one, I love my therapist too much and would feel so so guilty. Secondly, I would be a total idiot to spend all that money if I'm not going to be honest. It's not like anyone is forcing me to go to therapy, it's my choice. Also I suck at lying.

This post makes me sound like such a bitch. Sorry. The longer I keep this journal the less I like myself.

There's a girl with anorexia on Intervention tonight. I'm a little nervous to see it. Sometimes watching things about eating disorders is too upsetting. But I'm too curious not to watch.

Also, this might be a stupid question, but how do you know if you have edema?

Post-purge reflection

2007-12-03T00:18:02Z

It struck me just now that I used to be a much better person. I used to care about important things and I loved learning, and surrounding myself with different types of people and I had so much more substance, whatever the hell that means. I would dread my hair on a whim, take an 8 hour road trip at 2 am with my friends because we wanted to, and scour thrift shops and people's closets for weird and interesting things to wear. I was always surrounded by the most intelligent, unique, and free-spirited people and I immersed myself in everything quirky and odd because it felt good to not be like everyone else. OK, so I probably wasn't any more "different" than any other teenager who decides to buck conformity but I liked to think I was. Everything felt brand-new and exciting and everything we did was an adventure. We did some drug experimentation, but probably nothing more unusual than anyone else my age. We were all so curiously naive that for the most part the experiences were very pure and it never felt wrong. I remember taking mushrooms and lying on my back in my friend's yard for hours, marvelling at how beautiful everything was and how peaceful I felt. Maybe my friends that were there don't look back on these times as fondly as I do, maybe they see it completely differently. But I doubt it. I know that everything wasn't perfect, it never is; I was still really struggling with depression (although I didn't have an eating disorder yet, which is amazing in itself since I can't even remember what that feels like), but I also feel like I was a better person back then. Not as jaded, less superficial, more innocent.

I'm so different now. That sense of spontaneity and newness is completely gone from my life. Everything is more structured, which I both love and loathe. I have a Monday-Friday job at an office and I look and dress like everyone else. I can no longer take off across the state just because I want to, or pierce my face, or dye my hair blue. Those days are long behind me.

Maybe that's all a part of growing up and gaining responsibility, but I still miss the old me. It's 4:30 and I still haven't done anything today, apart from throw up everything I've eaten.

Melodrama and an epic entry ahead-- proceed with caution

2007-12-02T20:40:00Z

I've been okay for a while, but yesterday some switch flipped in my head and now I'm in total self-loathing mode. I woke up this morning feeling so depressed. I feel so hopeless. I don't even know who to talk to about it because I can't even describe why I'm feeling this way. I just feel worthless.

Yesterday I went to look for a dress for my holiday parties. I didn't think it would be quite so much of an ordeal, because a few weeks ago I saw this gorgeous dress, and without even trying it on decided that I was going to get it. Well I tried it on yesterday not even entertaining the option that it might not look good on me because, well, it just had to, and well...yeah, it didn't look good on me. It was a strapless dress with a very small bust area and my boobs are kind of big (I hate them), so I couldn't even zip up the 4. I normally wear a size 2, and I refused to get a size bigger. No way in hell is there going to be anything size 6 hanging in my closet. So now I feel like hell because I hadn't counted on this happening. I looked around other stores for a bit, and it was pretty much the same story. Apparently no one who shops at any of the stores I like has tits. And do you know that Bebe carries a size XXS? Seriously, I found this stretchy tube dress that was comprised of a tiny piece of fabric that wouldn't even fit one of my legs. It must have been designed for prepubescent girls because I can't imagine that any grown woman could possibly fit in it. And sure enough, when I came out of the dressing room, there was a parade of twelve year old girls modelling some very revealing, very grown-up dresses for their mother.

So dress shopping was a bust. My first holiday party is this upcoming weekend and at this point I don't even want to go because I feel like a fucking WHALE.

Later in the night was my "date". We went out for sushi and I already felt huge, so I just ate it. Then he took me to this very posh, beautiful nightclub at a hotel downtown. At this point I wanted more than anything to be home in my pajamas in front of the TV. First of all, I felt fat as hell, and my obsessive glances in the mirror throughout the night confirmed this. How can I not be fat if I can clearly see the fat?? Making this worse was the fact that I was surrounded by beautiful thin girls and I was probably twice their size. Then, the guy I was with was constantly touching my stomach and back (where I carry all my weight, I HATE HATE HATE my midsection and wanted to jump out of my skin whenever he touched it) and holding my hand, which I felt really, really uncomfortable with. I don't think of him like that, and he clearly had other ideas and I just felt so dirty and disgusting and violated, so I kept drinking hoping it would make me feel less uncomfortable. Eventually one of his friends met up with us and he turned out to be a really goofy, funny guy. For the rest of the night I just kept talking to him to avoid the dude I came with and he definitely noticed which made me feel so bad. I know he was really looking forward to hanging out last night; he kept saying how excited he was and how he really wanted to take me out because I was such a great girl, blahblahblah. I'm sure he doesn't think that anymore.

Towards the end of the night the three of us crammed into his truck to go to another bar. I sat in the middle and at one point we rounded a corner and I shifted over and he made a comment about how all my weight was on him. Ok, at this point I wanted to kill myself. I drunkenly made some stupid sulking comment thanking him for calling me fat. He said he knew that is how it sounded, and he was sorry, he didn't mean to imply that. But at this point the damage was already done. It probably would not have bothered me so much if I had not already been in that state of mind. But I was already unable to relax or enjoy myself the entire night because I thought I looked hideous, and here was the person I was with confirming my fears. And ordinarily I never make comments concerning weight or dieting in the presence of guys (or really anyone for that matter). First of all, I don't want to draw attention to my body or come across as that type of girl. Also, I know it makes people uncomfortable. So basically, I acted like a total douche. I came home and binged just so I could purge, and even after I'd gotten everything up I desperately wanted to keep purging. I barely remember any of this. Then I passed out in a tiny corner of my bed because my roommates dog was sprawled across my entire bed and I didn't want to move her because it was just so comforting to have her there.

Fuck "normal" eating. For about two seconds I was feeling comfortable in my own skin, but now there is absolutely no way I can go on looking the way I do. Back to restricting. Maybe I'll work on the normalcy part once I lose the weight.

I'm supposed to go back to the mall today and look at a few dresses I put on hold but in no way am I up for that right now. So instead I'm going to the gym for a while, and then I have to go food shopping, which I'm dreading. I really just wish I could hole myself up in my bedroom for the rest of my life, but I guess that's not an option.

HELP...I feel huge!

2007-12-01T21:41:13Z

After work yesterday I fell asleep for a few hours and missed my spinning class. I had eaten about 1600 calories throughout the day and was really struggling with it when my friends called around 9:30. Old me would not have gone out because I felt too fat. New, recovery-minded me (ha, right...) decided to throw a little caution to the wind. We ended up going to this place called Beauty Bar, which was kind of a hipster spot, but cool nonetheless. There was a DJ playing really decent house/techno mixes and I got pretty drunk and had a great time dancing. I even got up on the speakers at one point!

Afterwards my friend wanted to hit our favorite late-night hotspot, Hoboken Pizza, for our usual drunken fatfest but I was already feeling the dreaded drunk munchies and knew this was definitely not a good idea, so I declined. They have the best pizza I've EVER had, and I'm originally from NY so you know I'm serious about this. =) I crave it all the time and could probably eat a whole pie by myself. But I didn't want to binge because I'd already eaten plenty; there was no legitimate reason (legitimate meaning physical hunger) for me to binge.

On the way home, however, I started getting all sappy and emotional. I always get really cuddly when I drink and I started missing my ex (NOOO). The funny thing is, just the day before I was feeling really great because I realized I was pretty much completely over him, and that he rarely even crossed my mind anymore. Unfortunately it took me a year and a half to get to that point, but no matter...I started feeling really lonely, and was in total binge mode by the time my key was in the front door. 3:30 AM and I'm standing in the kitchen drunkenly shoving food into my face. Really gross things, too, since we never have any junk food, like microwaved pancake batter and raw oatmeal and stuff. I'm so embarrassed even admitting this. The worst thing is, I didn't even purge afterward. I was exhausted and ended up falling asleep right away.

Today I have a terrible stomachache and my belly is all distended and I feel dehydrated and so ashamed. I don't want to do anything today, and I certainly don't feel like eating, but my guy friend has really been wanting to take me out for the past few weeks, so we're finally going out tonight. My friends always laugh at me when I say I don't want a boyfriend, I just want to be wined and dined! He said we can go wherever I want so we finally decided on sushi. Too bad I'm not interested in him, because he really is a nice guy. My roommates didn't know I had plans, so they also signed me up for a flip cup tournament at a bar downtown that sounds like a blast so I'd like to try and make it. I've been having such a great time lately going out and being social, it has done absolute wonders for my mood and self-esteem. I don't want to fall back into my old miserable habits of isolating because my ED tells me to, so I'm definitely going, even though I contemplated making up some excuse this morning. But now I feel like I have to restrict this next week to make up for my bad night. I don't want to fall back into the cycle, not after I've been doing so well and feeling pretty excited about it, but I don't feel like I have a choice. Control, my ass. My eating disorder controls me

alexythmia @ 2007-11-29T22:48:00

2007-11-30T05:19:51Z

Back from spinning class and I think I'm getting addicted. I get on these gym kicks where I'm obsessed with a certain class for a while, then I get bored and move on to the next thing. But I seriously am in love with spinning! It makes me feel strong and healthy, and I can't really restrict on the days when I go because it's such a strenuous workout; you burn a lot of calories so you need to make sure you have enough energy to begin with. I just get in this zone; after a while it stops hurting and I stop focusing on my body's flaws and I'm in this euphoric state. Awesome.

Visiting my family over Thanksgiving made me want recovery more than ever. I so badly want to be someone they can be proud of. The whole time I was there they couldn't stop telling me how great I look, how happy. I can't bear to think of how shocked and devastated they would be if they knew how much I am hurting myself. It makes me feel so guilty, like I'm this awful selfish person. Another motivating factor is my little sister. I want to be a healthy role model for her. She looks up to me and I have to lead by example. She's already making comments about how she has a fat stomach and how she wants to be "healthy" like me. She's only 11, not to mention she's a little beanpole. Fuck, my weight was the last thing on my mind at 11 years old and it pains me to know these thoughts even cross her mind, however fleeting they may be. I never ever want her to suffer like I have, and I'd do anything to protect her from that.

Still she borrowed my clothes the whole time I was there and they more or less fit her, which gave me this twisted sense of satisfaction. I feel terrible admitting this, but I'm kind of glad I don't live with them so that my bad habits can't rub off on her.

I'm pretty sure I gained a few pounds while I was gone. Too much food (mom buys all the stuff I NEVER keep in the house), not enough purging (only once on Thanksgiving...ughh). I'm trying not to freak out too much; I know I can lose it quickly. But right now I'm trying to work on stabilizing my eating so that I'm not obsessing constantly. Today I've had a lot, close to 2000 calories, I was constantly hungry. I think I'm due to get my period (wish it would just go away...).Then I went to spinning which burns about 600 calories which puts me at about 1400 for the day, possibly a little less. Yikes. I feel really calm and satiated which is the feeling I've been chasing since I've gotten in this new healthy mindset. It's so new to me to reach that point where I'm comfortable -not full- could eat more, but don't really need to, and not starving. It's either one extreme or the other with me. Bingeing or starving.

TGIF...randomosity

2007-11-16T18:29:59Z

Spinning killed me last night, it was intense. But an amazing workout, and I'm proud of myself for keeping up with the instructor the entire class. Despite all the damage I inflict upon my body I guess I'm in pretty good physical shape. It almost makes me want to be kind to my body for being so good to me.

Aaaand...I've made a decision regarding my diet. When I initially became vegan, I intended to do a 30 day trial period to see how it affected me. Once the 30 days were up I wasn't ready to turn back. Now I've decided that I'm going to ease up a little bit. I still plan to keep my diet 90% vegan, and continue buying all my vegan replacements and not keep anything non-vegan in the house, but if every now and then I feel like I need some dairy or seafood I'm not going to beat myself up over it. One thing I will never do is go back to eating meat. I've been a vegetarian for so long I don't even think of meat as food anymore. Yuck. I've never had a problem with fish, though, so I guess that makes me a pescatarian. Whatever. Semantics.

With that said, my friend and I have reservations tonight at a sushi restaurant I've been wanting to try forever; It's supposed to have the best sushi in San Diego. It has been so long since I've had sushi, and it's one of my favorite things in the world, so I can't wait. I'm aiming to make today ED-free. I rarely feel guilty about eating sushi; Besides the white rice it's healthy and I consider it one of my "safe foods". But I'd also like to enjoy a cocktail without worrying about the calories. Their specialty cocktails sound amazing. After dinner we're going to see Wristcutters, which I've really been wanting to see. So it should be a fun little girl's night. Oh yes...and today's pay day so I'm going shopping after work. I'm stoked, I'm such a clothes whore.

Tomorrow morning I'm taking a Body Works class at the gym, and then I leave for Minnesota. I'm feeling a little less anxious about Thanksgiving; a girl from my support group and I have decided to text each other throughout the day to check up on each other, and I think that will help me maintain my sanity as well as serve as a reminder that I shouldn't engage in my behaviors. If anyone else thinks it would help them to do something like this, let me know.

Fuck

2007-11-16T00:43:23Z

I often catch myself making these idiotic mistakes at work that make me think "I cannot believe I just did that." And I know why. I'm not eating enough and it's affecting my ability to think. My head is constantly swimming and I'm always getting headaches. I'm usually irritable at work and I'm sure I come off as a huge bitch most of the time. But does realizing any of this make me want to eat more? Of course it doesn't! I honestly don't know what I would do with myself if I wasn't constantly counting calories. I'd probably go nuts. What would I think about?

I mentioned starting school in January to my therapist last night and she said she doesn't think I'm going to be able to do it, and I'm sure she's right. I can't even fucking think straight, what makes me believe I'll be able to handle school on top of working full-time? Yet there is absolutely no chance of my recovering unless I learn to accept my body as is and that is definitely not happening anytime in the foreseeable future.

I still have this stupid "goal weight" (ugh, I hate that phrase) in my mind that I can't get away from. 80 lbs. It will take me forever to get there, if ever. I lose weight so.slowly. It sounds low, and it is, but even if I get there I'm sure I won't look that thin. I'm only 5'2 and I have a very small bone structure so I think I'd have to be like, 50 lbs to look emaciated. It makes me feel so shallow to focus on my weight and appearance as much as I do, and I don't know why I think of my body as my only valuable contribution to the world, but I do. And yes, I realize that's pathetic.

What frustrates me the most is that I make myself suffer every day both mentally and physically and I'm not even that fucking thin, so what's the point?? I see thin people and I know they eat and I'm sure they don't punish themselves as much as I do and they still look better than me and it makes me want to scream.

This all makes me sound like such a vain, silly bitch, which I probably am...However (not like you can tell from this post), I've actually been in pretty high spirits lately. I love the holiday season and I have so much to look forward to in the coming month: some killer holiday parties (including one at the new Hard Rock that's opening downtown), seeing my family for Christmas and Thanksgiving, a comedy show on the first...I'm also going to be seeing The Nutcracker next month with my best friend which I'm super excited about (I'm such an old lady). Ordinarily I would be dreading the thought of all these social situations but my medication has been a godsend. I'm feeling more like my normal self again, whatever that means. Getting out of bed in the morning isn't quite so much of a task, and I'm even feeling hopeful. The thought of seeing my friends doesn't make me want to run and hide under the covers. I'm still bingeing and purging, but with less frequency and I haven't been planning them, which I think makes all the difference.

Spinning class tonight...here's hoping I don't die, ha.

I am a binge eater

2007-11-11T20:54:39Z

No matter how much I can delude myself by restricting, not eating...no matter how much weight I lose, or what compensatory methods I employ after bingeing, the fact remains that I am a food addict. It will always be there regardless of how long I can make myself go without eating. And I have no hopes of living a "normal" existence if I don't tackle this problem.

It makes me feel so ashamed. And browsing realthin is not helping. I'm such a friggin masochist.

I also fell off the vegan bandwagon this weekend. That was the only thing that was mine, that I felt I could control. I'm so upset with myself right now. In addition, I've been bingeing and purging all weekend. Then, at 2 this morning I was feeling particularly weak and hungry and ate some cookies and chocolate and didn't bother purging. I am really hating myself right now. No food today, maybe some V-8 the rest of this week. And so the cycle continues...